Seven Keys to Success!

So your going along on your merry way, when suddenly the unthinkable happens: Someone opens a skate shop the next county over! Who the hell do they think they are? With these easy tips, you can derail the next-town-overs chance of ever having their own scene:

1. First off, get real mad and talk as much shit as you can to anyone who will listen (and even those who won't). Remember, your surrounded by people who kiss your ass because your a shop owner. Use that to your advantage.

2. Make some calls! That's right, call all the companies, sales reps, and distributors and tell them how mad you are! Be sure to mention important details about the owner that you think may help your argument. If the guy can't get any product, then he can't have a shop right? Right! Don't forget to threaten to stop ordering from their company if they open up with the new guy.

CAUTION: This tactic may backfire when all the people you talk to end up talking to the new shop owner and figuring out that he is really down for skateboarding and has been for over 20 years.

3. Lie! Probably the most important thing to do. Tell people things like "He doesn't even skate!" or "I'm a real skater!". Most importantly, if your ever confronted about lying, LIE SOME MORE! Momma' didn't raise no quitter!

4. Get your name out there!!! Forget selling hard goods from core skate companies when you can just sell your own! Put your name on everything! Remember, the kids don't know the difference between a cheap distribution house deck that you can mark way up and a quality stick from Deluxe. Use that to your advantage! They're young and impresionable! Use them!!!

CAUTION: Sometimes if you have too many people sporting your gear in one place, they look more like a soccer team than a bunch of hardend rippers.

5. Nike SB? No way. You can't have that. Remind everyone one about how much they suck and how they are not a "real" skate shoe company. Remember to not let anyone know that Ipath is owned by Timerland though.

CAUTION: If you ever carried a Nike SB and lost the account for selling stuff to Japanese kids on Ebay, you might not want to make a big issue out of it. It might make you look like a fool.

6. Lurk out the other guy's town and sell stuff out of your car. That's right, load up your station wagon and hock product out of it like your selling onions on the side of the road in Georgia. Let the other guy know who's the boss!!! Just stay foucused and remember, you doing all of this for the kids.

CAUTION: This tactic may make you look desperate and cause some people to ask why you even have a store in the first place if you just going to sell stuff out of your car.

7. Myspace is the key!!! Instead of reading a book, drawing, painting, working on getting a degree online or whatever, lurk Myspace all day. It's the only way to see what's really going on with skateboarding. Plus you can keep a close eye on you evil nemisis and watch his every move. Be sure to delete any 9 year olds who may have the competitions shop as a friend. That won't be tolerated!!! All kids must see the ugly, selfish side of the "sketchy skateboard industry" (Meronek) as early as possible! Remember, Myspace is like a game of chess, only with out the application of skill, logic, or strategy.

CAUTION: Chances are the other guy isn't an idiot. There's a small chance that he may even be smarter than you. If that's the case, be cautious! He may be a few steps ahead of you, but then again, he may not.

Just follow these seven easy steps and you will be well on your way making sure that your shop is the only place in three counties where skaters are allowed to shop!

Remember folks, it's all just witty banter...have fun with it!